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Here, by popular request, is my idea of the Worst Movie Criticism of recent times. Others may differ, of course, but see what you think.

THE 10 MOST RUBBISH UK REVIEWS OF 2007
1. On Spider-Man 3: “It’s easily the best of the trilogy and, for my money, one of the most enjoyable films of the decade.” (Charlotte O’Sullivan, Evening Standard)
2. On Sleuth: “[Michael] Caine and [Jude] Law at the top of their game... masterclass performances.” (Baz Bamigboye, Daily Mail)
3. On Transformers: “2007’s jaw-dropper... This is the stuff of legend.” (Jonathan Dean, Total Film)
4. On Hannibal Rising: “Terrifying. The best Hannibal movie since Silence of the Lambs. Superb.” (Alan Jones, Frightfest)
5. On Southland Tales: “Seann William Scott’s double performance aches with a strange, unknowable poignancy... By the climax, Kelly’s truly ambitious, truly flawed film finally disappears into the ‘time-space rift’ (or whatever) to achieve some sort of cosmic transcendence.” (Jonathan Crocker, Time Out)
6. On Outlaw: “[Writer-director] Nick Love just gets better and better.” (Jason Solomons)
7. On Enchanted: “This overhyped family movie covered in a cellophane shrink-wrap of corporate Disney plastic-ness... The film assumes a beady-eyed and deeply humourless sentimentality.” (Peter Bradshaw, Guardian)
8. On Black Book: “Crass, vulgar and flatulent.” (Peter Bradshaw, Guardian)
9. On Ocean’s 13: “Back to their sleek and stylish best. A high-rolling hit... Great fun.” (Mark Adams, Sunday Mirror)
10. On The Good German: “A crackling and engaging noir mystery.” (Rich Cline, Shadows on the Wall)

THE 10 MOST RUBBISH UK REVIEWS OF 2006:
1. On Date Movie: “A spoof-tacular film!... Laugh your face off.” (Polly Graham, News of the World)
2. On Three: “The most exciting film of 2006!” (Total Film)
3. On Rabbit Fever: “**** Uproarious fun.” (Henry Fitzherbert, Sunday Express)
4. On Little Miss Sunshine: “A faintly unsatisfying watch.” (Peter Bradshaw, Guardian)
5. On Little Miss Sunshine: “It lays on the quirks then the group hugs in a tried-and-tested indie manner that you may find faintly coercive.” (Tim Robey, Daily Telegraph)
6. On I Want Candy: “Incredibly funny... Hilarious cameos from the best in British comedy.” (Polly Graham, News of the World)
7. On The Da Vinci Code: “Gripping, action-packed and entertaining.” (Polly Graham, News of the World)
8. On The Da Vinci Code: “Solidly-entertaining, slickly-produced and gorgeously photographed.****” (David Edwards, Daily Mirror)
9. On A Good Year: “Films which are as well made as this just don’t grow on trees.” (Jonathan Ross, Film 2006)
10=. On The Science of Sleep: “Wonderful.” (Sukhdev Sandhu, Daily Telegraph)
10=. On Awesome: I Fuckin’ Shot That: “Pure genius. *****” (Empire)

THE 20 MOST RUBBISH REVIEWS OF 2007 FROM THE AMERICAN QUOTE WHORES ON FOX-TV:
1. On Bratz: The Movie: “These Bratz are non-stop fun with great laughs and lessons for the whole family.” (Bill McCuddy, Fox-TV)
2. On Are We Done Yet: “The funniest, craziest, wildest comedy of the year.” (Shawn Edwards - Fox TV, Kansas City)
3. On Evan Almighty: “You can’t ask for anything more in a comedy!” (Jim Ferguson, Fox-TV)
4. On Evan Almighty: “A heavenly comedy that’s perfect for the entire family!” (Shawn Edwards, Fox TV, Kansas City)
5. On Evan Almighty: “A wonderful film for the entire family! Head to the theatre two-by-two!” (Steve Oldfield, Fox-TV)
6. On Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: “Totally awesome! So much fun you’ll want to see it twice!” (Shawn Edwards, Fox TV, Kansas City)
7. On Resident Evil: Extinction: “**** The most exciting movie of the year!” (Shawn Edwards, Fox TV, Kansas City)
8. On Rush Hour 3: “Jackie and Chris have never been funnier!” (Jim Ferguson, Fox-TV)
9. On Fred Claus: “One of the funniest comedies of the year.” (Shawn Edwards, Fox TV, Kansas City)
10. On Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium: “The most magical movie of the year!” (Shawn Edwards, Fox TV, Kansas City)
11. On Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium: “A magical world! A magical movie! (Steve Oldfield, Fox-TV)
12. On Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium: “Don’t miss this wonderful holiday film. You’ll enjoy this film right along with the kids.” (Jim Ferguson, Fox-TV)
13. On The Reaping: “An outstanding supernatural thriller.” (Jim Ferguson, Fox-TV)
14. On The Reaping: “A terrific thriller that will keep you on the edge of your seat!” (Shawn Edwards, Fox TV, Kansas City)
15. On Grindhouse: “An undeniable masterpiece!” (Shawn Edwards, Fox TV, Kansas City)
16. On No Reservations: “The most delightful movie of the year!” (Shawn Edwards, Fox TV, Kansas City)
17. On Evening: “A classic! A must-see!” (Jim Ferguson, Fox-TV)
18. On Evening: “****! I loved this film! Brilliantly acted! Masterfully directed, from the stunning cinematography to the hypnotic Oscar-caliber score!” (Steve Oldfield, Fox-TV)
19. On PS I Love You: “The perfect date movie for the holidays.” (Jim Ferguson, Fox-TV)
20. On National Treasure: Book of Secrets: “A must-see for the holiday season.” (Jim Ferguson, Fox-TV)

THE 20 MOST RUBBISH REVIEWS OF 2007 FROM THE WORST AMERICAN QUOTE WHORES NOT ON FOX-TV:
1. On Sleuth: “A stylish and flawlessly acted masterpiece.” (Paul Fischer, Dark Horizons)
2. On Firehouse Dog: “Wonderful. One of the best family films of all time.” (Janet Stokes, Film Advisory Board)
3. On Good Luck Chuck: “A comedy gem!” (Mark Seman, Sirius Radio)
4. On Licence to Wed: “The funniest comedy of the year.” (Mike Sargent, WBAI-New York)
5. On Norbit: “If Eddie Murphy gets an Oscar for Dreamgirls later this month, the deciding factor with voters may be his performance in Norbit. It's much more impressive than anything he does in Dreamgirls.” (Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle)
6. On Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End: “The best Pirates yet! Epic and amazing!” (Mark S. Allen, KMAX-TV, Sacramento)
7. On Spider-Man 3: “Breathtaking... thrilling... an unforgettable experience. The best Spider-Man yet!” (Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazines)
8. On The Nanny Diaries: “One of the year’s best!” (Prairie Miller, New York Film Critics Online)
9. On Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: “The most fun you will have at the movies all year! These turtles rock!” (Mike Sargent, WBAI-New York)
10. On Daddy Day Camp: “A hilarious comedy for campers of all ages.” (Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazines)
11. On Daddy Day Camp: “This is fun entertainment families will enjoy.” (Janet Stokes, Film Advisory Board)
12. On Fred Claus: “Sure to be a holiday classic.” (Jeffrey Lyons, NBC)
13. On Fred Claus: “Fred Claus sparkles with festive holiday entertainment. Families will love it.” (Janet Stokes, Film Advisory Board)
14. On Fred Claus: “Spectacular! Pure holiday magic!” (Jeffrey K. Howard, The Movie Guys, ABC TV)
15. On Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium: “The perfect holiday film!” (Mark S. Allen, KMAX-TV, Sacramento)
16. On Rush Hour 3: “Wild, funny and over-the-top action!” (Jeffrey K. Howard, The Movie Guys, ABC TV)
17. On Evan Almighty: “Awesome fun for the whole family! Elephant sized laughs! Thou shalt laugh a lot!” (Mark S. Allen, KMAX-TV, Sacramento)
18. On Nancy Drew: “****Nancy Drew is a definite must-see!” (Earl Dittman, Wireless Magazines)
19. On The Number 23: “A must-see movie.” (Pete Hammond, Maxim)
20. On National Treasure: Book of Secrets: “Heart-pounding action! Total entertainment from start to finish!” (Pete Hammond, Maxim)

THE 40 MOST UNJUSTLY HARSH REVIEWS OF ALL TIME
1. On The King and I (1956): “Poor songs (Hello Young Lovers, Getting To Know You), fair choreography, poor script.” (Geoff Andrew, Time Out Film Guide, 1998)
2. On Enchanted (2007): “This overhyped family movie covered in a cellophane shrink-wrap of corporate Disney plastic-ness... The film assumes a beady-eyed and deeply humourless sentimentality.” (Peter Bradshaw, Guardian)
3. On The Lives of Others (2006): “Von Donnersmarck gives his debut feature, The Lives Of Others, no particular style, and the absence of visual risk-taking renders an exciting premise ponderous and stolid.” (Noel Murray, The Onion)
4. On The Lives of Others (2006): “An unsatisfying character drama.” (J. Hoberman, Village Voice)
5. On Fight Club (1999): "The movie is not only anti-capitalism but anti-society, and, indeed, anti-God... an inadmissible assault on personal decency. And on society itself... It uncritically enshrines principles that once underpinned the politics of fascism, and ultimately sent millions of Jews to the death camps. It echoes propaganda that gave licence to the brutal activities of the SA and the SS. It resurrects the Fuhrer principle. It promotes pain and suffering as the virtues of the strongest. It tramples every democratic decency underfoot.” (Alexander Walker, Evening Standard)
6. On Fight Club (1999): “Constitutes a deeply fascist art, a work that uncritically espouses brutality as a function of alienation and nonconformity. Fincher’s uncritical examination of violence and its repercussions becomes itself a celebration, an aesthetic and ideology, that turns increasingly sadistic and cruel.” (Hollywood Reporter)
7. On Fight Club (1999): “A witless mish-mash of whiny, infantile philosophising and bone-crunching violence that actually thinks it’s saying something of significance... Brutalising.” (Kenneth Turan, LA Times)
8. On Fight Club (1999): “I would deliver a long tirade against it if it weren’t such a dog - such a laborious and foolish waste of time.” (David Denby, New Yorker)
9. On The Front Page (1931): "No journalist can view without disgust, bordering on nausea, the screen version of that gross libel on his profession, The Front Page... The thinly veiled foul language, the brutal handling of women, the coarse cynicism over scruples of honour, the callous mentality that plays poker and shouts bawdy jests within hearing of the prison death-cell, these, and a hundred other barbaran vulgarities, are not characeristic of journalism in any country known to civilisation." (G.A. Atkinson, Daily Telegraph)
10. On Casablanca (1942): "The year's clearest measure of how willingly, faute de mieux, people will deceive themselves. Even Jeannie, hardly a movie at all, was better fun; or even that affable imitation-of-an-imitation, Tartu." (James Agee, Nation)
11.On Casablanca (1942): "The love story that takes us from time to time into the past is horribly wooden and cliches everywhere lower the tension." (William Whitebait, New Statesman)
12. On Vera Drake (2004): “Little more than one-note masochism.” (Sukhdev Sandhu, round-up of 2005, Daily Telegraph)
13. On American Beauty (1999): "How bad was American Beauty? Officially, not very. It bagged five Oscars, after all. Yet its direction was stagy, its symbolism clunky and mannered, and Kevin Spacey's and Annette Bening's madly histronic performances came straight out of a Punch and Judy show… American Beauty stank.” (Sukhdev Sandhu, Daily Telegraph, 2002, in a review mostly dedicated to slagging off Sam Mendes’ follow-up, Road To Perdition)
14. On Billy Elliot (1999): “The first hour is a compendium of genre cliches so ripe that you begin to look for some sense of self-awareness, some sign that writer or director is going to get a new angle or a new grip on this material. It does not come... Lee Hall’s script sounds as though it is not just about a child, but has been written by a child, for children.” (Sebastian Faulks, Mail on Sunday)
15. On A Beautiful Mind (2001): "A cascade of stupidities, a study in cinematic bad faith, an insult to open-minded folk… a one-stop, cowardly, feeble-hearted, perverse and scandalous exercise in making a brilliant man's experience into a money-squeezing, tear jerking, point-missing, Oscar-attracting nightmare… Ron Howard is a shocking film-maker.” (Andrew O’Hagan, Daily Telegraph)
16. On A Beautiful Mind (2001): "The biggest load of hooey to stink up the screen this year." (Charles Taylor, Salon.com)
17. On A Beautiful Mind (2001): "A hammy sitcom-standard shocker. It's more embarrassing than watching your Dad dance naked." (Barbara Ellen, Times)
18. On The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001): "It goes on forever." (Richard Roeper, Ebert & Roeper)
19. On The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001): "Utterly, utterly, uninvolving… The endless talk is high-flown, to say the least, many a line (‘Long have I desired to look upon the kings of old’) feels as if it had begun life after years in an illuminated manuscript, and should have stayed put. Still, the film offers a lot to those who have already the Hobbit. To others who haven't, it offers too little. Its strength, and its weakness, too, is excessive reverence for the book's talismanic status. Myself, I'd simply have settled for enchantment." (Alexander Walker, Evening Standard)
20. On The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001): “Signing up to the movie’s whole hobbity-elvish universe requires a leap of faith, a leap very similar to the ones that the characters are always doing across bridges and crumbling, vertiginous precipices. It’s a leap I didn’t much feel like making - and, with two more movie episodes like this on the way, the credibility gap looks wider than ever.” (Peter Bradshaw, Guardian)
21. On The Lord of the Rings:The Two Towers (2002): “Warning! Film contains long-haired men smoking unfeasibly long pipes, women with pointy ears and lots and lots of nerdish nonsense... The acting in all this is earnestly, effortfully bland.” (Peter Bradshaw, Guardian)
22. On The Lord of the Rings:The Two Towers (2002): “A big, sprawling disappointment." (Victoria Alexander, Filmsinreview.com)
23. On Shrek (2001): “Grossly overrated.” (Paul Ross, News of the World)
24. On Shrek (2001): "Not much here to gratify either adults or children." (Harvey S. Karten, Compuserve)
25. On Shrek (2001): "Spends so much time being cleverly hip and spoofing all things Disney that it struggles to find its own identity." (Cameron Meier, Orlando Weekly)
26. On Shrek (2001): "Shrek isn't clever or smart. It just wants you to think it is, through wink after wink after wink." (Robert Wilonsky, New Times Los Angeles)
27. On Little Miss Sunshine (2006): “It lays on the quirks then the group hugs in a tried-and-tested indie manner that you may find faintly coercive.” (Tim Robey, Daily Telegraph)
28. On Little Miss Sunshine (2006): “A faintly unsatisfying watch.” (Peter Bradshaw, Guardian)
29. On Black Book (2006): “Crass, vulgar and flatulent.” (Peter Bradshaw, Guardian)
30. On The Chronicles of Narnia (2005): “Here in Narnia is the perfect Republican, muscular Christianity for America - the warped, distorted neo-fascist strain that thinks might is proof of right... Lewis weaves his dreams to invade children’s minds with Christian iconography that is part fairytale wonder and joy - but heavily laden with guilt, blame, sacrifice and a suffering that is dark with emotional sadism. Aslan is an emblem for everything an atheist objects to in religion. His divine presence is a way to avoid humans taking responsibility for everything here and now on earth, where no one is watching, no one is guiding, no one is judging and there is no other place yet to come.” (Polly Toynbee, Guardian)
31. On The Chronicles of Narnia (2005): “Overlong, poorly paced and woodenly acted.” (Lou Lumenick, New York Post)
32. On Beauty and the Beast (1991): "The first politically correct picture to come off the animators' drawing board." (Alexander Walker, Evening Standard)
33. On Gladiator (2000): “It's almost like [Ridley Scott]'s trying as hard as he can to make the worst movie of all time.” (Chuck Rudolph, Matinee Magazine)
34. On Gladiator (2000): “It's a violent, noisy, low-brow distraction.” (Marty Mapes, Movie Habit)
35. On Gladiator (2000): “Friends, Washingtonians, countrymen, I come not to praise Gladiator but to bury it. Thumbs down! Drive that short sword through its palpitating heart, and pay no attention to its squeals for mercy.” (Stephen Hunter, Washington Post)
36. On Gladiator (2000): “Gladiator derides 'entertainment' while hustling like crazy to provide two and a half hours' worth of same. The heroism and the tigers and the epic grandeur all leave behind the flavor of cynicism.” (Robert Horton, Film.com)
37. On Gladiator (2000): “Gladiator becomes a sterile deconstruction of bloodshed.” ( Robert W. Butler, Kansas City Star)
38. On Flirting With Disaster (1996): “Smutty, sophomoric, and witless." (John Simon, National Review)
39. On Secrets & Lies (1996): "Permit me to be totally unimpressed.” (John Simon, National Review)
40. On Shakespeare in Love (1998): “Determined to play it safe and please everyone. It’s a remarkably astute packaging exercise, with in-jokes for the literati... This is absolutely mainstream costume romance... an all-out attempt to dazzle us with English Heritage prestige... Shakespeare in Love falls some way short of infinite jest.” (Jonathan Romney, Guardian)